Breastfeeding and a Broken Heart

I don't know where to start.  I have so much running through my mind and just need to get it out.  It starts with breastfeeding...Breastfeeding can be such a beautiful thing, but let me tell you...it causes such a battle inside my head.  Without a doubt I know that breast milk is the best thing for my sweet baby boy.  For that reason, there are days that I tell myself, "I can do this.  Six months, 12 months, just stick with it."  And honestly, if it were just me, Adam, and Broughton, I believe that I could.  But it is not just the three of us.  We have a sweet girl who also needs attention from her mommy.  A sweet girl who sadly has not gotten half the attention she was getting and who is finally starting to take it out on her mommy.  Oh gosh, here come the tears again.  Sigh.  Addison has been the best big sister!  She loves her brother so much and is so sweet to him.  But she is finally starting to show a little jealousy.  With Adam, she just gets whiney when he is holding Broughton.  Usually, though, he is able to just put him down, thus satisfying Addison.  With me, however, she is just distancing herself.  Most of the time when I'm holding Broughton, it is just us 3 and I am unable to just put him down.  And if I'm not feeding him or changing his diaper, I am pumping or washing bottles.  Very little time is left to simply play with my girl.  I only have time to cook her a quick dinner, attempt to make her eat it and maybe get her a bath.  Then, when it's time for her to go to bed...a time that I loved spending with her so much...a time where we would read books and talk about our day and say our prayers.....when that time comes...I am usually pumping...so Daddy takes over.  All afternoon from Mommy, Addison hears, "As soon as I put brother down, I can help you with that."  or "not right now, I'm feeding brother", etc.  Then Daddy comes home and it is pretty much play time for her.  I certainly don't fault him for this.  He is just being a great Dad.  Unfortunately, it just makes me feel like an even worse mom.  So I start to think, "I am just going to have to stop pumping so I can have more time with Addison".  (By the way, I got mastitis again and was told by my Dr that in order to prevent re-infection, I must pump at least every 4 hours.  Well, I get so much milk that each time I pump, it takes about 45 minutes and another 15 to put it away and wash everything...so yes, it is a lot of time).  Then more guilt sets in...and my brain says, "Well, that's not fair for Broughton.  He should be able to get the best nutrition that I can provide. Addison will be fine.  She will never even remember this."  And my plan again changes from, "I think I'll quit pumping"  to "maybe a few more months".  And then something will happen that will spark the battle in my head again.  I thought yesterday was bad....until tonight came.  Addison has been really clingy with her Daddy ever since we went to the beach this past weekend.  Well, yesterday, she was sitting on the bar and I walked by her and stopped to give her a kiss on her forehead.  Instead of the smile that I am used to, she gave me a swat and said, "No...Daddy".  Ouch!  She only wants kisses from her Daddy.  Well, I sucked it up and got over it.  But this afternoon we let her go home with her "old" teacher, Ms. Morgan.  When we went to pick her up, she walked right past me and with open arms ran to her Daddy with the biggest grin.  Again, I tried to grin and bear it and I think I succeeded.  We then went to put her in the truck.  Adam sat her in the front seat while he was putting her car seat in the truck.  I leaned in there and asked her if she had fun with Ms. Morgan.  She backed away from me and said, "No, daddy." and nearly started crying.  Well, this honestly broke my heart and I couldn't hold it back anymore.  That was 2 hours ago and I have pretty much been crying on and off ever since.  I knew she would break my heart one day, but I wasn't prepared to have that happen at age 2!  I wanted to hug her, but she wouldn't let me.  Then when we got home, I tried to walk her to the house so Daddy could get Broughton.  She cried as if she didn't know who I was and refused to walk with me.  Wow.  I thought I had had my heart broken before, but let me tell you...no pain compares to this.  I wanted to calm myself and try to put her to bed....but, you guessed it, I had to pump....so Daddy to the rescue...he calmed her down and got her to bed.  Now everyone is sound asleep.  I just got done pumping.  I am now off to wash bottles.  And the battle continues to rage in my head, "Keep pumping, quit pumping, keep pumping, quit pumping."  God please calm this storm and bring my sweet girl back to me.  I miss our time so much!