I guess I need to get back to me
Oh where do I even begin? I used to blog regularly....took so much pride in it really. Sadly, my last post was Christmas pics from 2014! I know what you'll tell me: "Don't be so hard on yourself. You've been busy." Yea, yea, yea. I have been busy. I mean, what human being has a 4 year old and an almost 6 year old and is not busy? I don't know any. And yet, I look at my blog and I feel disappointment. Another thing that I just couldn't keep up with. Then I look up from my computer screen...at this unbelievably messy single-wide trailer. I sure didn't see myself STILL here at age 35, but here I am......and the housekeeping...out of control. Honestly, I feel like everything has just been out of control for a while now. Lost my job last year when my boss/friend died. Gained all the weight back that I lost....that pretty much puts a damper on everything. I cry pretty regularly lately trying to face the fact that our kids may not be able to remain at a school that I swore I'd do everything in my power to keep them at. Life is hard. It's just hard sometimes.
Yet I know that I'm beyond blessed. I know that my Jesus loves me and that He sees every tear. He has a plan for this sweet family of mine. I see a little glimpse of hope here and there, but I try not to let myself get too excited...because that makes the disappointment that much harder when that thing or that plan doesn't pan out.
You know what He's telling me right now: remember the things that make YOU happy and get back to doing those things....lets fix YOU so you can better serve ME.
What things make me happy? Hmmm. I can think of a few...
-spending time with my husband...WITHOUT kids. We've been saying for months, years honestly...that we will make date nights a priority....but we haven't.
-tennis....I used to play tennis and it brought me so much joy. Simply stepping foot on a tennis court with a racquet in my hand immediately relieves stress and just makes me feel at home. I need to do that again!
-art...I love art...all kinds of art. Honestly, I feel like I satisfy that craving for the most part with my LuLaRoe business...I pray that it will continue to grow and be successful!...but I do think I'd love to do some of those art classes...ooh and cooking classes..that would be fun...but let me not get carried away.
-my kids....should I feel guilty that they weren't at the top of this list? NO...Us moms feel guilty enough as it is...guilty for not going over site words enough... Will I be the reason that she never reads (we're good at exaggerating too)...Fast food again- guilt, didn't make it to that 8th birthday party of the year- guilt, let them watch too much TV so I could actually get something done- guilt....and the list goes on. So I will not feel guilty for this one because the truth is...yes they make me happy, but they're already getting A LOT of my time...most of it really.
-clamming/crabbing...when I started dating Adam in high school, we went clamming and put out flounder nets and crab pots with his Dad every summer- a lot. I remember that being the coolest thing ever. I also remember saying, "when we have kids, we'll take them clamming and crabbing all the time"...because it is so much fun! How many times have we taken them? Once....maybe twice? I wanna do that more!
-bible study...ok, I do feel guilty that this wasn't the first thing that came to mind. I do miss carving out time every week to meet with a special group of gals to study and worship together. I really want to do that again.
-running...I used to love running. Why don't I do it anymore? I don't know. There's no excuse.
Why do we continue to do the same things over and over that make us unhappy? I have no idea. I think we allow Satan to creep in and he just sets up camp.....the longer we allow him to hang out, the harder it is to kick him out.
I want to blog again. I want to feel healthy again. I want to have date nights. I want to play tennis and go clamming. I want to join a bible study again. I want to volunteer.
God, please help me to get back to me. I love my family so much. I love that my kids need me, and I know that I will miss these days so very much. I will miss my kids wanting me to watch every little thing they do. I will miss them begging to sleep in our bed. I will miss them wanting to hold my hand until they fall asleep. I will miss their sweet voices chattering nonstop and making it impossible for Adam and I to have a conversation. I know this. I know I will miss this. I am so very thankful for each and every second of my life. I'm not tired of being a mom...I'm just a tired mom....a tired mom that needs to feel like Casey again...at least from time to time.
For now, that is all. I guess blogging for the first time in a year and a half is a start. Blogging should've been on the list too. Sometimes, typing my thoughts out helps me to see just what it is that God is trying to tell me....like just now. So, yea...I need to get back to me...I'm sure any mom can relate. Say a prayer for me and I'll say a prayer for you.
Yet I know that I'm beyond blessed. I know that my Jesus loves me and that He sees every tear. He has a plan for this sweet family of mine. I see a little glimpse of hope here and there, but I try not to let myself get too excited...because that makes the disappointment that much harder when that thing or that plan doesn't pan out.
You know what He's telling me right now: remember the things that make YOU happy and get back to doing those things....lets fix YOU so you can better serve ME.
What things make me happy? Hmmm. I can think of a few...
-spending time with my husband...WITHOUT kids. We've been saying for months, years honestly...that we will make date nights a priority....but we haven't.
-tennis....I used to play tennis and it brought me so much joy. Simply stepping foot on a tennis court with a racquet in my hand immediately relieves stress and just makes me feel at home. I need to do that again!
-art...I love art...all kinds of art. Honestly, I feel like I satisfy that craving for the most part with my LuLaRoe business...I pray that it will continue to grow and be successful!...but I do think I'd love to do some of those art classes...ooh and cooking classes..that would be fun...but let me not get carried away.
-my kids....should I feel guilty that they weren't at the top of this list? NO...Us moms feel guilty enough as it is...guilty for not going over site words enough... Will I be the reason that she never reads (we're good at exaggerating too)...Fast food again- guilt, didn't make it to that 8th birthday party of the year- guilt, let them watch too much TV so I could actually get something done- guilt....and the list goes on. So I will not feel guilty for this one because the truth is...yes they make me happy, but they're already getting A LOT of my time...most of it really.
-clamming/crabbing...when I started dating Adam in high school, we went clamming and put out flounder nets and crab pots with his Dad every summer- a lot. I remember that being the coolest thing ever. I also remember saying, "when we have kids, we'll take them clamming and crabbing all the time"...because it is so much fun! How many times have we taken them? Once....maybe twice? I wanna do that more!
-bible study...ok, I do feel guilty that this wasn't the first thing that came to mind. I do miss carving out time every week to meet with a special group of gals to study and worship together. I really want to do that again.
-running...I used to love running. Why don't I do it anymore? I don't know. There's no excuse.
Why do we continue to do the same things over and over that make us unhappy? I have no idea. I think we allow Satan to creep in and he just sets up camp.....the longer we allow him to hang out, the harder it is to kick him out.
I want to blog again. I want to feel healthy again. I want to have date nights. I want to play tennis and go clamming. I want to join a bible study again. I want to volunteer.
God, please help me to get back to me. I love my family so much. I love that my kids need me, and I know that I will miss these days so very much. I will miss my kids wanting me to watch every little thing they do. I will miss them begging to sleep in our bed. I will miss them wanting to hold my hand until they fall asleep. I will miss their sweet voices chattering nonstop and making it impossible for Adam and I to have a conversation. I know this. I know I will miss this. I am so very thankful for each and every second of my life. I'm not tired of being a mom...I'm just a tired mom....a tired mom that needs to feel like Casey again...at least from time to time.
For now, that is all. I guess blogging for the first time in a year and a half is a start. Blogging should've been on the list too. Sometimes, typing my thoughts out helps me to see just what it is that God is trying to tell me....like just now. So, yea...I need to get back to me...I'm sure any mom can relate. Say a prayer for me and I'll say a prayer for you.
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